"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." -Winston Churchill

Friday, March 2, 2012

Preoccupied lately...

I've been meaning to write a couple of posts -a guest post for a friend's blog, a review- but I've been preoccupied mentally and physically. Physically, I have been working on getting back into shape now that I have a little more energy, but it usually causes me to fall asleep with the kids, so I don't have my usual night-time blogging time. Mentally, I've been preoccupied with the idea of having another baby. Not that I'm anywhere near ready for one, I cannot pile another 50 lbs on this body, and we'd definitely need a mini-van.

A few of my friends with babies Lola's age are pregnant again, so baby-fever is hitting hard. I loved the thrill of that positive pregnancy test. I loved (almost) every minute of being pregnant. I love babies.

I don't love the heartache that comes with the hope of a full milk supply, and the despair that follows when the milk just isn't there. And then the worry. Is my baby getting enough supplement? Too much? Am I pumping enough? Is my baby gaining? Is my baby peeing enough? Pooping enough? I've been watching a fellow IGT mama go through this with her new baby, and it really got to me. Do I ever want to go through that again? Despite being better prepared, knowing what I can do to make it work, do I want to deal with SNSs, formula, donor milk, galactogogues?

And besides all the milk troubles, do I really want to lose 70 lbs, and gain it all back again? Do I want to risk another 4th degree tear? At the moment, the answer is no.

And now Lola's taking less milk in the SNS. I don't know if I'm making more, or what. She's not a terribly heavy wetter, but I can't remember if she wet more often or more thoroughly before. I hate uncertainty. She seems content, she doesn't appear to be losing weight. I think I'm just traumatized, as a lot of IGT moms are, about intake. I can't SEE what she's taking in, and it freaks me out.

*Deep breaths.*

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